SEATTLE, WA—These days it seems like everyone has taken up day trading as a hobby. Recently, stock guru Colton Johnson has cashed in on the trend with his unique investing courses that will teach you how to get the biggest thrill possible by gambling away your entire life savings.
Students so far appear to be responding well to his subversive investment style.
“I really like Colton because he’s okay with us losing money on the stock market. He even promotes it,” said one of his students, a retired engineer based in El Segundo. “I lost my entire pension check for the month trading options on something called the VIX, and Colton said I was doing a great job and that as long as I got a huge rush of adrenaline while I was trading, I was winning. Honestly, I hadn’t been that excited since I accidentally snorted meth at a Pink Floyd concert back in the 70’s.”
Business Outsider spoke with Mr. Johnson himself to find out his inspiration, “There’s so many stock market courses out there and they all promise the same thing: to help you get rich quick,” said the market guru, “but I thought that I would cut through the noise and tell people, you know, ‘hey, the markets are pretty much a crap-shoot and you could destroy your life, just a heads up. I like to think of myself as one of those random aquaninstences that you bump into at the horse-track who gives you nothing but awful tips and then you never see them again. Yea, you’ll lose your house and irreversibly destroy your credit, but it’ll be a memory you never forget!”
At press time, Mr. Johnson was seen developing a new series of entrepreneurship courses where students could not only ruin themselves financially, but also their employees and shareholders.