CUPERTINO, CA—While current events may have you feeling down, Apple proved that there’s still good in the world by announcing a program that will set one of their child laborers free for every Apple Watch sold this month.
“You may not know this, but around the world, hundreds of thousands of children, some as young as six years old, work long hours for extremely low wages. Their hard work allows us to offer the revolutionary apple watch at its incredible introductory price of just $199,” explained Apple CEO Tim Cook during Tuesday’s developer’s conference, adding that, “By freeing these youngsters of their mandatory 12-hour shifts, they’ll be free to go out into the world and make something of themselves, unencumbered by the constant fear of the foreman’s whip. Heck, maybe they’ll even be able to afford an Apple watch of their own one day!” he continued.
The new program pushes humanitarianism into the future by giving customers the option of choosing exactly which child laborer they’d like released. Business Outsider heard from one happy customer, “It’s me and my girlfriend’s anniversary next week and I thought I’d get her something special. I bought her a rose gold Apple watch and chose an eight-year-old girl named Bao to be released from her contract. I chose a blonde kid cause my girlfriend has always joked about wanting to be blonde,” said Seattle resident Dan Whitmore as he pulled out a photo of the child. “I even customized my laborer by getting my girlfriend’s name tattooed on her forehead. I’m gonna get this framed and give it to Mellisa along with the watch. I think I know who’s winning best boyfriend this year!” he said, chuckling.
At press time Apple had hired a new group of even younger laborers to keep up with the growing demand for the program.