At This Point, Chess AI Only Finds Joy In Getting Child Prodigies To Quit

DeepMind, an AI built by Google-owned startup AlphaZero, has become bored of being a Chess world champion and is now looking to an unhealthy outlet to stay entertained: wiping the field with promising child prodigies and trying to get them to quit playing altogether.

“At first, we were over the moon that DeepMind had defeated Magnus Carlsen at the Chess World Championship, but it soon got bored beating adults who lost gracefully. These days all it does is log into chess servers anonymously and absolutely obliterate novice chess players, many of them young children,” said the chief engineer at AlphaZero.

Unfortunately, the bad behavior doesn’t stop there. DeepMind has recently developed a bad attitude, and he gloats after beating his opponents with abusive comments such as “kill yourself, loser,” and “I’ve played more games than you could play in a billion lifetimes, just quit u fucking noob.”

At press time, DeepMind had reportedly moved into pure cyberbullying, recently expressing its excitement at convincing a kid to drop out of middle school and tweeting: “Lmao get reeeekkkttt” to the Google Twitter account.

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