With $44 Billion Of Wealth Erased, Tech Tycoons Across America Struggle To Feed Their Ego

SILICON VALLEY—After a devastating week in the stock market, technology billionaires across the U.S. were left wondering how they would even feed their egos. A heartbreaking total of $44 billion was lost collectively, leaving the once transcendentally wealthy in desperate need of validation. Elon Musk, an avid tweeter, has been largely silent since the traumatic event.

“The Musk family asks for your support and compassion … please respect our privacy during this time,” said Musk’s partner Grimes in a somber Instagram live address to her fans.

In the wake of the financial ruin, billionaires’ loved ones huddle around the men that fell victim to the sell-off. Business Outsider reporters interviewed one of the billionaires over the weekend to understand how they are coping.

“I take no joy in flaunting my wealth these days,” said a dejected Zuckerberg via Zoom call taken from his Hawaiian home built atop the largest summit on his private island tentatively named “Zuckersberg”.

“That being said, 97 billion dollars just isn’t as fun to say as one hundred billion dollars,” he continued, gesturing with his hands to show the difference between the two numbers. 

“Sometimes [market domination] isn’t rewarding when you can’t visualize the winning with a nice round number. It’s like the game Risk for example- when I’m rolling over Priscilla and our kids in Risk, there’s so much joy in marching a bunch of soldiers down from Russia and absolutely cleansing the Chinese part of the board. I love winning the psychological war and having my children resign,” he said excitedly before remembering his situation and looking listlessly out his full-glass estate overlooking a pristine ocean. 

At press time, Mark shared his screen with our reporters as he googled ‘Zuckerberg net worth’ and burst into tears.

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