WASHINGTON—Congress today fell into a heated debate over the size of the Snickers bar that should be included in the next pandemic relief package. Democrats argued that king-size Snickers bars are vital to providing Americans with all the caramelly, crunchy, chocolatey goodness they need, while Republicans have argued that fun-sized Snickers bars will provide Americans with sufficient nourishment without blowing up the national debt.
“We realize that the pandemic and recent social unrest has made a great deal of Americans incredibly grumpy,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “But it’s also important to pay attention to the national debt. We’re more than 26 trillion dollars in the hole, and a fun-size Snickers bar will minimize the burden we place on taxpayers.”
Other senators have expressed doubts on whether a fun-size Snickers bar will satiate Americans’ hunger.
“This is absolutely absurd. Americans are not themselves when they are hungry. They need a Snickers, they need the biggest Snickers they can get, and they need it fast,” Senator Chuck Schumer argued. The debate came to a head after Schumer went on to propose a bill to provide funding for a sandwich baggy of Goldfish to accompany the Snickers.
At press time, Republicans were reconsidering their position after a closed-door meeting with Mars Candy executives ended with the senators receiving M&Ms and Tootsie Pops.