J.P. Morgan’s Quant Director Sees Continued Volatility: “Buy Gold, We Have Enraged God”

NEW YORK CITY—In a recent interview with Business Outsider, J.P. Morgan’s Quantitative Strategies Director Matt Lin said that investors should consider moving a significant portion of their assets into defensive commodities such as gold and silver after his team concluded that humanity’s recent behavior has greatly infuriated God.

“There is a significant chance that the volatility we’re seeing in the market will continue or could get worse,” said one of Lin’s senior analysts, “our models indicate a high likelihood that the supreme lord is furious about the current state of the world, and that we will surely experience his supernatural wrath over the next two fiscal quarters. Investors that move their assets early will be able to defend against what we see as an upcoming recession of, quite literally, biblical proportions.”

The team of fifteen, eleven of which hold doctorate degrees in computer science and math, leveraged cutting-edge artificial intelligence algorithms in their financial models to create new indicators to help make this discovery. This model was then trained on selected scripture from the King James. This mode serves as the basis for the team to determine our Heavenly Father’s worsening mood.

“God is in great pain when he looks upon the world that he created, and at his children for their general disregard for his commands,” he continued. “If you look at the market right now with through this lens, it’s readily apparent that technology stocks, commercial real estate, and non-believers are in for the unbelievable wrath of our vengeful Lord.”

At press time, the team could be seen selling their client’s shares in high-risk technology stocks, buying gold, and painting lamb’s blood on the outside of their cubicles.

Leave a Reply