Samsung’s Newest Phone Battery Lets You Squander 30% More Of Your Life On Single Charge

Samsung’s newest smartphone has just hit the market, offering faster speeds, dozens of new features, and a new battery that will let you squander a larger portion your life staring at a screen. Business Outsider got an exclusive interview with one of the lead developers in the battery division at Samsung.

“After months of research and development, we’re excited to deliver a longer battery to Samsung customers and enable them to idly waste up to 30 percent more of their precious, unique life on just one charge,” said the senior smartphone architect for the company, adding that he’d recently tried out the new phone himself for the first time.

“I literally could feel my bones decaying, my brain dying, and my spirit withering away as I swiped endlessly through content that was just entertaining enough to keep me engaged. These new levels of hopelessness can’t be experienced on older versions of Samsung’s smartphones or our competitors’ product,” he continued.

When the first reviews of the phone started to appear, the feedback was mixed. One customer was frustrated over receiving a faulty battery: “This is bullshit, Samsung. WTF? I got my phone today and the battery didn’t even last 10% longer than my old one. How am I supposed to miss my dumb kids growing up when my phone keeps dying?”

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