Man With 7 Brokerage Accounts Clearly Has His Shit Together

LOS ANGELES—Los Angeles local Anderson Sampson funded his seventh brokerage account today, proving once and for all that he absolutely has his shit together.

“It’s amazing, I’ve seen so many charts on so many different devices. He really seems to understand that stuff,” said Rodrigo Verduya, Sampson’s friend, “I’ve always been scared of stocks, but he’s been watching a lot of YouTube videos and it just seems to come naturally to him.”

“Well obviously Robinhood has subpar data visualization, so I needed to get Webull,” said Sampson. “Now Webull was great because I got some great charting capability but to be honest after a day or two of being a swing trader I realized that I was more of a value investing guy. So my next step was to make an account with TD Ameritrade, but after a while I got sick of their home screen so I went with IBKR, but I stopped that once I realized they still charged commissions! What, like I’m gonna pay money to trade stocks? Get real,” he coughed, caught his breath and continued, ”then I went to Charles Schwab, but the market picked up so I went back to swing trading and I thought I’d give SoFi a try. SoFi felt like it was trying to…to be too much, you know? So I opened an account with E-Trade yesterday and now I really think I’m ready to buy my first stock.”

At press time Sampson could be seen at his local Starbucks placing an order for 10 shares of TSLA on margin.

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