Hurricane Narrowly Misses Louisiana After State Falls Into Sinkhole

LOUISIANA— Hundreds of thousands of Louisiana residents were saved from Hurricane Laura Wednesday after the entire state was swallowed by a massive sinkhole.

“It’s just a lot all at once,” said Kevin Sutton, an electrician. “First, it’s a pandemic then the economy and now a hurricane. I can’t deal with a damn hurricane right now! I’m just glad that sinkhole got us, really saved us from the worst. Praise the Lord for that.”

A team of Business Outsider journalists repelled deep into the heart of the sinkhole to speak with a resident of the vast crater that used to be Baton Rouge.

“Let me tell you something,” said Dominic Miller, a new homeowner, “I just moved out here and spent my life savings on this little piece of land you see right here. Well it used to be up there but now it’s right here,” he said, pointing up at the mouth of the gaping chasm. “I’d much rather dig my house up than deal with the water damage from that damn hurricane, I’ll tell that much. You know how much it costs to fix water damage?” He then proceeded to hook a trailer hitch from his truck to the door frame of his buried, one bedroom home.

At press time, Louisiana governor John Bel Edwards had announced a mandatory controlled burn of all food supplies to solve the state’s newfound rodent problem.

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