LOS ANGELES, CA— After he finally downloaded and used the app for approximately three minutes, TikTok CEO Kevin Mayer has decided to resign from his role at the social media platform.
“I know it might sound surprising, but this job has kept me so busy over the last three months that I never actually took the time to download the application and see what all the buzz was about,” he said in a press conference shortly after his departure
“And, well. Let’s just say that after I used the application and saw the dancing, and heard the music, and, christ, the flashing colors… I just realized that my executive talents could be better put to use at a company that’s less, you know, shitty,” he continued.
Vanessa Pappas, currently the U.S. general manager of the app, will serve as interim head of TikTok. Pappas addressed the public in an attempt to maintain order amongst the lower ranks of the company.
“We continue to strive to be a platform that promotes collaboration, community, and culture. And look, cards on the table: I haven’t actually used the app myself yet. This job, especially now that I’m the new CEO, will keep me far too busy to be messing around watching twenty-somethings dance around in their studio apartments. But, I’m confident that Kevin’s concerns are largely overblown,” she said confidently in an internal email to employees.
At press time, Ms. Pappas could be seen swiping up on her phone in her office- presumably browsing content on TikTok. Her facial expression quickly changing from happy to disappointed. A short time later, she was seen rubbing her temples and mumbling: “God dammit.”