“I Thought I’d Die For Sure” Says Annoyed, Suicidal SpaceX Pilot

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One month after the first successful human flight in the revolutionary SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule, suicidal NASA astronaut Bob Behnken has opened up about how disappointed he was with the flawless mission.

“The moment I saw SpaceX’s first crash landing back in 2006, I knew I had to apply to fly in their spacecraft,” said Behnken.

“I’m this big NASA astronaut, you know? I’d much rather die in a blaze of glory than slit my wrists and bleed out alone in my bathtub. I thought the Crew dragon would be my fiery chariot to the sweet release of death.”

Behnken’s partner on the historic mission, Doug Hurley, said Behnken was incredulous as the pod descended into the ocean exactly as was planned.

“I wanted to take in the incredible experience I’d just been through but I was too busy restraining Bob to keep him from disengaging the parachutes before we’d landed. Then he started screaming at the top of his lungs and tensing all his muscles, I told him to stop and he yelled at me that he was gonna max out his blood pressure and give himself a heart attack. He desperately needs therapy,” said Hurley.

At press time Behnken was seen researching how to become a test pilot for Hyperloop.

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