Republicans Pen Bill To Send Americans Monthly Allowance of 1000 Doll Hairs

THE WHITE HOUSE— Months into the worst recession to hit the US since the Great Depression, congressional Republicans on Monday announced a plan to send every American a monthly allowance of 1000 doll hairs.

“By sending every American 1000 doll hairs, we have a chance at getting people out and spending money again without adding to the national debt,”  Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told Business Outsider.

“Ya’ see, doll hairs sounds like dollars. For a while, citizens will think they’re getting money, and they’ll go out and start spending. Then when they get wise to it and see that all they’re getting is 1000 strands of blond and brunette polyester Barbie hair, the economy will already be booming and the election will be over,” he continued while cutting the hair off of his daughter’s collection of dolls.

The bill appeared to have bipartisan support after the bill was discussed “exclusively verbally” with democratic senators. Democrats seemed shocked that Republicans would consider such a move. Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders took a moment to commend his Republican counterparts, saying “I am absolutely floored by the outpouring of support for this bill. I think this is an important piece of legislation that will send our nation’s vulnerable impoverished population much needed support through direct, consistent payments which will establish a much needed universal basic income (sic.)”. Florida representative Matt Gaetz nearly corrected the Vermont senator before Iowa’s Joni Ernst swiftly jumped from her chair and covered Gaetz’s mouth with duct tape.

At press time, Mattel’s stock (NASDAQ:MAT) was up 12%.

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