To Simulate Genuine Investment Banking Experience, Remote Interns Encouraged To Snort Adderall From Home

Pictured: An intern at Goldman Sachs taking notes on how to prepare a line of adderall

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— In light of the COVID-19 pandemic continuing through the summer, many top investment banks and asset management firms opted to host virtual internships for aspiring finance professionals as opposed to cancelling them entirely.

“We were very deliberate in structuring the virtual internship,” said the Global Head of Recruiting and Development for J.P. Morgan Chase & Co in an interview with Business Outsider.

“It’s not just about introducing them to J.P. Morgan, it’s about really getting to know them as people. What kind of music do they like? How do they spend their free time? Are they willing to steal the amphetamines from their grandmother’s medicine cabinet, crush them up with a credit card, and snort lines of it off their childhood copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone while the rest of the team watches on Zoom?”

The reviews have been mixed at best.

“I liked the overall experience, don’t get me wrong,” said Casey Blankenfield, an intern at BlackRock.

“But there was just something artificial about doing 15 shots of Jäger at the Zoom happy hour and throwing up in my toilet at home instead of yacking all over a barstool at a Manhatten club,” he continued.

At press time, intern Tommy Miller could be seen doing a backflip off his second story balcony on a dare from his manager who told him it would be “fucking legendary”.

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