MENLO PARK, CA— After a banner year for brokerage firms, Robinhood has doubled down on their retail-focused platform with the new Robinhood Marketplace: a place where day traders can sell their shit when they inevitably go bankrupt.
“The Robinhood Marketplace is an important new pillar to support our company’s mission statement, which is to democratize investing and the free market for all individuals. That democratization now includes enabling our day traders to sell their possessions when they ultimately lose all their money while trading risky derivative products that they simply don’t understand,” said Robinhood’s Chief Product Officer in a recent press release.
Business Outsider spoke anonymously with one particularly active user of the Robinhood Marketplace feature for his feedback on the experience: “I lost everything day trading,” he said over the phone with our reporters after what sounded like an extremely loud snort of a powdered substance.
“But right when I was standing on my chair about to end it all, my phone buzzed, and that’s when I learned about the new Robinhood Marketplace. Then, I remembered that I still had my cousin’s Play Station 4 that he left at my place a few months ago. So I sold it for $550 on Robinhood to some sucker, and now I’m back in business, baby!” he continued while looking down to refresh the app every thirty seconds.
“At first I thought the Robinhood Marketplace was like, an actual place you go to. So I showed up to the old alleyway where I used to sell adderall to tenth-graders, but no one was there. Then I realized you just ship it in the mail, which is even more convenient,” another user commented.
At press time, Robinhood executives hinted at an addition to the feature that would enable users to sell their organs and labor when they ultimately run out of possessions to pawn and ultimately become homeless.