Google Allowing Employees to Work From Home Indefinitely On Condition They Work Indefinitely

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA— In the wake of a pandemic that has halted the global economy, Google has changed its internal policy on employees working from home.

“To give employees the ability to plan ahead, we are extending our global voluntary work from home option indefinitely,” Google CEO Sundar Pichai said in an email to employees. Google had originally said employees should expect to return to the office in January 2021, but has drastically shifted its strategy in light of the United States recently surpassing four million coronavirus cases.

“There is one caveat for those employees that make the choice to work from home indefinitely, which is that you will have to work indefinitely. Google employees will continue to be paid at full salary and benefits as they work from home. Of course, by ‘home’, I mean a respectable residence in Mountain View with a mortgage of at least $6,000 per month,” Pichai continued explaining in the internal email.

“For those of you that think you can just move to Ohio and live a comfortable life, not a fucking chance. We don’t pay you $150,000 a year for you to fucking jerk off and watch Tiger King all fucking day. If I get word that even one of you motherfuckers left, your entire team will regret it, mark my words,” he continued.

“But like I said, it’s totally a reasonable choice to work from home.”

Google’s stock is up 6.1% after market close on new estimations by analysts that employees will be committing to twice their average workload while working from home.

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