THE WHITE HOUSE— Stocks increased the most since 1933 today as investors anticipate a stimulus package to be passed through congress in an effort to mitigate the crippling effects of COVID-19 on the global economy. Debate about what will be included in the package is ongoing, with one congressperson suggesting that getting most of the American working class high on the stimulant methamphetamine would increase the impact of the overall stimulus package.
“Look, I know we have all these measures to stimulate the economy like cutting interest rates and deploying a trillion-dollar loan program, but maybe some good old-fashioned meth is what the people need to really get back to work?” said congressman Joe Wislon (R) of South Carolina.
The suggestion was met with chatter across the floor, and Wilson’s message appeared to have been taken seriously as a potential addition to the stimulus package.
“Money is great and all, and we all need money to survive, but it’s not the only thing that motivates people. As a prior entrepreneur, there’s nothing like a little bump before the day begins that really gets me amped for work,” he continued.
At press time, congress was evaluating a number of different methods to deploy methamphetamine to the public in a safe and efficient manner.