SANTA ROSA, CA— Utility company PG&E has announced today that it plans to shut off power temporarily for a period of at least 500 years in order to mitigate an heightened fire risk for certain California residential areas.
“We understand that this may come as challenging news for some California residents that are affected by this change, and PG&E would like to express our sincerest apologies for how this may impact your life,” said a PG&E spokesman in a recent press release following the announcement.
Residents across the state were outraged with the change, as many were under the impression that the outage would only last a period slightly north of 150 years.
The PG&E chief executive provided more color in a recent investor conference call:
“Unfortunately, our top meteorologists have modeled the fire risk into the foreseeable future, and the picture is quite bleak,” said CEO William Johnson ominously.
“After comparing the profitability of providing our customers electricity at the risk of sparking a fire and getting sued for billions of dollars versus temporarily shutting down the power grid, our finance team ultimately determined the latter option would be better for our bottom-line and shareholders,” he continued in a conference call with major investors in the company.
At press time, Californians in rural areas could be seen raiding grocery stores and stalking up on canned foods in preparation of the shutoff.