NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Amidst a whirlwind of layoffs, the ejection of CEO Adam Neumann, and a last-minute bailout by SoftBank, WeWork’s remaining employees have decided to douse millions of dollars in gasoline and light it ablaze to stay warm during the workweek.
“Our building is so cold in the fall season, and the city shut off our power after we stopped paying the utility bill two months ago,” said a senior director of marketing at WeWork.
“So, we did what our company does best. We put our heads together, and the best solution we could think of was withdrawing the few million dollars remaining in the company’s corporate bank account and start a fire to stay warm and productive,” she continued while warming her hands next to a white-hot blaze of hundred-dollar bills.
After the workforce purchased hundreds of gallons of gasoline and doused it on the venture capital cash that the company had raised over the years, Adam Neumann threw the match into the center of the fire to an explosive applause.
“Even through the hardship, we stick together- because we are WeWork,” he shouted excitedly while standing on a luxury ergonomic leather chair.
At press time, a group of software developers on the third floor of the WeWork building could be seen roasting their afternoon artisan coffees flown in from across the world in a small fire composed of roughly $4,500,000.