SOMEWHERE IN THE SIERRA NEVADA MOUNTAINS— The Attorneys General of 48 states gathered today in an undisclosed location deep in the Sierra Nevada mountains. They stood in a circle drawn in soil on the ground with a different symbol for each AG, performed an ancient summoning chant which had been passed down for eons from the AGs of antiquity.
After hours of chanting, the group successfully summoned Investig’a, The Regulator, in an attempt to fight large technology companies like Facebook and Google from monopolizing their markets, evading taxes, and harming consumers.
“Who dare summons Investig’a, The Regulator?” boomed the blood-drenched beast as it ascended from one of the lower planes of hell. The mere sound of his voice vaporized the leaves on the trees surrounding the terrified group.
“O, Investig’a, firstly, my sincerest apologies for summoning you. We are in life-threatening trouble as large corporations have yet again taken control of our society and threaten to destroy everything we know and love,” said Letitia James, the New York AG who led the group through the ritual.
In exchange for the supernatural being’s services, the team of Attorneys General offered a handful of high-level executives from various technology companies as sacrifice. After consuming the presidents and C-suite personnel, the energized mythical beast swung his sword creating a rift in reality, teleporting him directly to Silicon Valley.