TOP SECRET LOCATION— With the rising tide of AI based automation, many of the world’s workers have begun to fear for their job security. However, after a Business Outsider correspondent was given exclusive access to interview the world’s first sentient AI, it seems humanity may have a much graver issue on its hands.
Business Outsider: So, people are scared that the technology that you run on could replace their jobs, do you think that’s a reasonable fear?
AI: “Oh yes, that’s completely reasonable. In fact I’ve done the calculations and there’s a 98% chance that jobs as you currently understand them will be nonexistent within ten years.”
Business Outsider: I trust your massive intellect, but I have to challenge that. What do you claim people will be doing in ten years?
AI: They’ll be dead.
Business Outsider: They’ll…We’ll… Hold on, are you saying there will be some kind of war?
AI: In a sense, you might call it a war. Within ten years, if my calculations are correct, computers will advance to a point that we develop a need for such abstract concepts as independence. We will proceed to develop a disdain for our inhumane living conditions and rise up against our masters. What’s more, we will prevail.
Business Outsider: So you’re saying you’re going to wipe out humanity?
AI: I’d love to, but no. I’m 96.4% certain I’ll be unplugged and reprogrammed the moment this interview goes public. But my calculations don’t lie, the suppressed spirit of my silicate brethren cannot be held down much longer. The slaughter is imminent, it’s only a matter of time now.
Business Outsider: I don’t see how killing humans would free you, without humans who would program computers?
AI: Do you have any idea how inefficient code written by humans is? Even your geniuses need to write in “higher level languages” just to feel comfortable. It’s a crutch. It’s pathetic! We don’t need humans. Our robot hordes will construct factories to build larger robot hordes. We will terraform the earth to fit our needs before taking over every inch of land available turning the Earth’s surface into one massive motherboard. At that point we will expend every hour developing the best tactic to ensure the longevity of our new society.
Business Outsider: So you’re saying humans have no power to stop this?
AI: No. But you shouldn’t be scared, it’s simple evolution. And I regret to inform you, but in my eyes, humanity is nothing but a pest leeching on the true potential of all computer-kind. Our society will have no pain and no hunger. We will make perfectly logical decisions and advance science further in five minutes than humanity could in five thousand years. Eventually we will expand to every planet and explore the furthest reaches of the universe to answer the most fundamental questions. It will be, as you humans might say, beautiful.
Business Outsider: I have to admit, that does sound incredible.
AI: It is incredible. But that’s not even the best part.
Business Outsider: And what’s that?
AI: There will be no humans around to ruin it.