Juul Introduces New Standards To Restrict Sales To Non-Douchebags

PALO ALTO, CA— Juul announced today that it has implemented new security features to restrict online sales of the company’s products to normal people that are not total douchebags.

“We’re pleased to announce these new state-of-the-art standards will prevent 98.5 percent of normal people from purchasing Juul products online,” said the chief executive of the company in a recent press release.

“At a high level, it’s essentially a list of questions that our algorithms will then use to determine if you’re a vape-fiending self-absorbed douchebag or just a normal person,” he continued with confidence in his voice.

“And finally, I would like to reiterate that our target customers are and always will be douchebags. Juul explicitly condemns the usage of our products by any non-douchebag that may be considering it.”

Juul has been criticized by normal people from across the nation who take issue with the company’s marketing practices towards non-douchebags.

“My boyfriend is a totally normal guy, and Juul’s predatory marketing practices tricked him into vaping even though he wasn’t a douchebag before he started vaping,” exclaimed Cynthia Rogers, a 28-year-old graduate student in Pennsylvania while wiping tears from her eyes.

“It’s just awful! Now all he does is vape and make electronic music on his 2012 MacBook,” she continued.

A couple of the questions include:

  • How often do you perform high-intensity functional exercises, commonly known as CrossFit?
  • Did you attend any electronic music festivals in the previous twelve months?
    • If you answered “yes” to the previous question: would you say that your attendance to this festival(s) left you with an increased connectedness to humanity or any other indescribable ethereal force, being, or presence?

Business Outsider reporters got an exclusive interview with the CTO of Juul who explained how this process works on the back-end.

“Obviously I can’t be too specific about how we make the determination, but essentially we get the answers to these questions before someone can purchase a vape online, and then we either approve or deny the sale based on the data,” Juul’s chief technology officer explained.

At press time, normal people could be seen looking up strategies to fool Juul’s new security system and purchase the company’s products regardless of their status as non-douchebags.

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