23andMe Results Finally Explain Why Man Is Such An Asshole

PALO ALTO, CA— An executive vice president at a software startup based in Palo Alto finally received the answer to a question he had pondered his entire life: why did everyone think he was an asshole? After receiving his 23andMe results, his outlook on life was changed forever.

With 23andMe’s updated report, not only can you learn about your genetic make-up and what diseases you might be at an increased risk of contracting, but also whether you are more likely cut off people on the freeway or send your food back to the kitchen at a restaurant.

“This was a phenomenon that had plagued me ever since I was a child,” he said relieved.

“Throughout every period of my life, there were always people that didn’t like me for one ridiculous reason or another. After taking the 23andMe test, I’m so excited and happy to discover that it’s not my fault I’m an asshole and that it’s simply genetic,” he added while sending an email on his phone and laughing heartily.

23andMe researchers aggregate data collected by assholes across the world and are collaborating with top pharmaceutical companies to develop a cure for assholes, but the research is still in nascent stages.

“We have plenty of data on assholes. That’s not an issue for us,” said the director of research at 23andMe, who coincidentally also recently learned he was an asshole.

“At this point our major roadblock is pinpointing what genes correlate in a statistically significant way with someone being an asshole- what our team internally calls ‘the jerk gene’. We do have a few promising leads. We’ve correlated genes that make a person more likely to buy bleached denim jeans or luxury sunglasses with that person also being an asshole, but the relationship can be weak,” he noted while cleaning his Ray-Bans.

At press time, the executive who received his results could be seen double-parking his Mercedes in front of a Rite Aid with a refreshed assurance that his behavior was totally out of his control.

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