Goldman and Apple Partner On New Product: “The Asshole-backed Security”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Goldman Sachs and Apple announced today that the firms will be partnering to create a new security, the asshole-backed security (ABS). This innovative security is being developed in connection with Apple’s new credit card, which is set to be deployed to the world early next month.

Some are skeptical about the new security, as the name itself echoes back to the securities responsible for the 2008 financial crisis (asset-backed securities and collateralized debt obligations).

“This is just classic Goldman,” said Lars Jones, the owner of a regional automotive repair business.

“My business got burned hard in ’08 because of CDO’s, and the audacity for them to work with Apple on a similar product today is just appalling to me,” he continued saying angrily.

Business Outsider reporters contacted spokespersons from both Goldman Sachs and Apple and received a response from the Vice President of Corporate Communications at Goldman Sachs.

“The asshole-backed security, although unfortunately similar in name to the ABS product abused by the financial industry in 2008, is categorically different in every possible way,” she stated clearly.

“Although the modeling behind the product itself is still complex, it’s quite simple to explain. Every Apple cardholder will accrue a certain amount of debt on their accounts, and this is where Goldman comes in. We aggregate the total debt, and package it into an asshole-backed security, and then resell these securities on the open market who are interested in getting exposure to Apple cardholders’ credit.”

“Oh, we’re calling it an asshole-backed security because everyone who has an Apple credit card is automatically an asshole, no question about it,” she said matter-of-factly.

“And who pays back their credit cards on time? Assholes! It’s a marketing tactic to make ABS sound like a reliable and safe security.”

At press time, research analysts at Goldman Sachs were researching new ways to combine multiple ABS’s into another entirely new and innovative security: the asshole-backed asshole-backed security.

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