Top CEOs Beginning To Ponder The Existence Of “Non-Shareholders”

WASHINGTON— At the annual business roundtable held this week, the chief executives of America’s largest corporations gathered to brainstorm new ideas and address issues surrounding the future of capitalism. In a historic development, a majority of the bosses started to toss around the idea that non-shareholders could potentially be considered as a minor stakeholder in their respective organizations.

“Now, I just want to preface this by saying that I am absolutely not proposing any actionable steps associated with this statement,” said Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JPMorgan Chase & Co (NYSE: JPM).

“But, and I want to clarify again that I’m just floating this as a rough idea- what if we started to consider the wellbeing of those non-shareholders that are involved in the operations of our businesses?” he stated carefully.

The statement was met with gasps and throat-related noises by many of the other executives in the room. The CEO of ExxonMobil had to step out and appeared extremely nauseated. 

“Jamie, what are you suggesting?” said the chief executive of Coca-Cola with his right fist clenched. “I don’t understand the meaning of this word, non-shareholder. You mean there are people out there in the United States who are not partial owners in any corporation? Not even one?” he continued baffled.

Mr. Dimon continued and delicately explained to the top business leaders of the United States that non-shareholders did indeed exist, to the shock and surprise of the entire audience. 

“You see, these non-shareholders work for all of your companies every day, and we need to start thinking about how our decisions impact them,” he continued to jeers and boos from the rest of the table. The executives could be seen staring blankly at various spots in the room as they began to comprehend the existence of non-shareholders, and how it might affect their businesses.

At press time, a first draft of a working framework for how the executives may decide to consider non-shareholders was constructed and quickly filed away to be brought up again briefly at next year’s roundtable.

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