Jeff Bezos Purchases The Sun For $83B

MILKY WAY GALAXY— Today, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos announced that he had completed a definitive agreement to purchase the Sun for roughly $83B.

The Sun has been on the market since the dawn of humanity and commanded quite a price tag- in the tens of billions. However, with Amazon being one of the most successful companies of all time, the powerful executive amassed enough wealth to purchase The Earth’s home star for roughly $23B in cash and the remaining funded by Amazon stock. 

“This is a highly strategic move by Mr. Bezos, considering the move to solar energy by most of the world’s developed and emerging markets,” said a senior energy equities analyst at Jefferies.

However, the deal has drawn major criticism from the political sphere and quickly become a target by presidential candidates concerned about private sector conglomeration. Democratic candidates running for president in 2020 collectively criticized the United States government for allowing the deal to go through.

“This is an absolute outrage,” said previous Vice President of the United States and candidate Joe Biden. 

“You can’t just buy the Sun. I mean, I know you can buy stars on the internet. To be totally transparent, I own a few- but you can’t just buy the Sun, right?” he said in a recent interview on CNN.

Many have speculated what Jeff Bezos intends to do next with the Sun under his control. Everything from implementing a Dyson sphere to nuclear fission and more has been suggested, but Mr. Bezos has been decidedly silent on the matter.

At press time, Mr. Bezos could be seen commanding a fleet of armored trucks to a secure facility in a remote area in Nevada for top-secret technology development.

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