Apple’s Credit Card Will Require Dongle To Purchase Non-Apple Products

CUPERTINO, CA— Apple announced today that their flagship credit card, in a partnership with Goldman Sachs, will be available to the public later this month. People are excited to use the service, but there’s one caveat: if you want to buy a non-Apple product with your Apple card, you’ll need to purchase the appropriate dongle for $69.99 plus sales tax from an Apple store or a certified third-party retailer of Apple products.

“We’re ecstatic to finally present this credit card to market, which is made of titanium and offers 3% cash back on any Apple purchases,” said Tim Cook, the chief executive of Apple.

“We’re also pleased to be able to offer a dongle to interface with third-party payment machines for just $69.99,” he continued excitedly.

Despite dongle disputers, Apple fans remain excited to use the new card.

“I’m pretty stoked for the Apple credit card because it looks super sick, and overall it’s really convenient,” said Chad Clarkson, a long-term Apple enthusiast and fan.

“You know, I can’t say I’m surprised that you need a dongle to pay for non-Apple products- if you think about it, Apple’s products are just so much more advanced, that they need the dongle to, like, ‘dumb down’ the technology, you know? And besides, how often are you even gonna purchase non-Apple stuff anyway?” he continued while struggling to fasten the fragile dongle onto the credit card.

At press time, a new credit card owner could be seen screaming into the sky upon realizing that he had purchased the wrong dongle off the internet, and would need to wait approximately three additional weeks to receive the correct one.

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