Robinhood Raises $323M Series E To Enable Millennial Gambling Addictions At Scale

MENLO PARK, CA— The stock trading application Robinhood today announced the completion of a $323M funding round led by DST Global. New Enterprise Associates, Sequoia, and others also participated in the round. The new capital has been earmarked to scale the company’s existing gambling and gaming services, which have already hooked countless millennials across the globe.

“We’re very excited to close our Series E funding round and put this fresh capital to work immediately,” stated Robinhood chief executive Baiju Bhatt excitedly in the funding announcement press release.

“Robinhood’s mission has always been to convince millennials into thinking they are ‘investing’ their money, when in reality they have simply been purchasing complex financial derivative products that they don’t have the slightest clue about,” he explained.

“Then, Robinhood takes the other side of the ‘bet’ that our customers continue to make, which has been extremely profitable for us,” he continued.

Robinhood users and the next generation’s gambling addicts are excited and speculating about what new games and features will be added to the digital casino.

“I’ve been a Robinhood user and super-fan since the beta app in 2014, and without a doubt it has been the most educational and informative investing experience of my life,” said ex-Google software engineer and unemployed 28-year-old Aarav Khatri.

“I’m down about $65,000 right now, but I’m hoping to break even or turn a small profit during the next Snapchat (NYSE: SNAP) earnings announcement,” he continued while refreshing his account balance on the Robinhood mobile application every seven seconds.

Robinhood is rumored to be rolling out new products that enable users to gamble 24/7 on various currency and commodity markets, which would accelerate the current addicts on their platform into a rapid spiral downward.

At press time, the company reportedly experienced a large influx of new users onto the platform that prefer to gamble from the comfort of their home than having to drive hours out of town to a casino.

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