“I am God!” And Other Highlights From The Senate’s Libra Hearing

Today, the Senate conducted a hearing in which it received testimony from Facebook executives on the company’s new cryptocurrency initiative. All times listed are local.

3:10 PM: The meeting commencement was delayed when David Marcus, head of Facebook’s new Libra group, handed each congressperson a list of their secrets on small pieces of paper.

3:15 PM: Sen. Pat Toomey asked the Facebook executive: “Now son, I need you to shoot straight with me. I brought my iPhone here today so you can help me figure it all out. Are there actually horny singles in my area? I gave them my credit card but they still haven’t called me!”

3:22 PM: Sen. Sherrod Brown exclaimed loudly: “Like a toddler who has gotten his hands on a book of matches, Facebook has burned down the house over and over, and called every arson a learning experience.” In response, David Marcus defended: “Uhh (sic)… Yes? We are always learning.”

3:35 PM: Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: “So we are discussing a currency controlled by an undemocratically selected coalition of largely massive corporations…” The visibly distressed Facebook executive, David Marcus put his fingers in his ears and shouted desperately: “Blah, blah, blah! I can’t hear you! Please Mr. Zuckerberg I’m trying, please don’t do it!”

4:00 PM: Following Rep. Ocasio-Cortez’ testimony the hearing took a brief recess by request of David Marcus, who stated: “I apologize, can I please be excused for a moment to get fresh underwear? I seem to have defecated.”

4:06 PM: Sen. Kyrsten Sinema quoted a TechCrunch article which commented on the Libra project: “The real risk of Libra is crooked developers.” David Marcus responded by holding up a printed out version of the following meme:

4:22 PM: Sen. Pat Toomey interrupted the hearing: “See! See! Mr. Facebook man!” while showing the room his iPhone with pornography playing. “How do I meet these horny sluts? Where are they? Do I need to remind you, sir, that you are under oath?”

4:32 PM: During a brief administrative recess David Marcus was seen crawling under his desk, assuming the fetal position, and was recorded whispering to himself repeatedly, “Oh no, no, no, no! Mr. Zuckerberg will not like this. No, not at all! I’m sorry Mr. Zuckerberg, I’m trying I swear!”

4:45 PM: Rep. Sean Duffy: “How can we trust you? How can the American people trust Facebook?” David Marcus responded quickly: “Well Mr. Duffy, how can we trust you when it’s been reported that you’ve received messages fro-” and was cut off as Rep. Sean Duffy who requested to reclaim his time and have the statement be struck from the record.

4:56 PM: As Rep. Maxine Waters, chair of the Financial Services Committee began to say, “demonstrated pattern of failing to keep consumer data private on a scale similar to Equifax”, the room began to shake and a massive incorporeal head appeared above Marcus’ frozen body. As the dust settled, the head, now clearly Mark Zuckerberg said leveraging the collective voices of the entire Facebook workforce: “I am God! You cannot stop Libra, Facebook, or me! I have and will rule this land for eons to come!” The astral projection of Mark Zuckerberg faded, the room stopped vibrating, and the hearing was adjourned.

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