Twitter, Migraines Across Nation Return After Hour-long Pause

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Twitter returned after being temporarily down for approximately one hour yesterday. Migraines of millions of Americans across the nation also returned violently after a moment of bliss that was gone as soon as it arrived.

“Wait, please- just a little more time. I want to go back. It was so beautiful,” said San Francisco data scientist at Square as he refreshed Twitter again to find, horrified, that the platform had returned.

“It hurts even more now that I know what it feels like to have such a perfect silence,” he continued.

The Twitter outage also impacted geopolitics. Apparently, the United States diplomats were just seconds away from signing a treaty with China and North Korea towards advancing world peace. The deal was scrapped once negotiators for each country started checking their phones again upon Twitter’s return.

Chief Executive Jack Dorsey apologized to the public for the outage after the brief hiatus.

“We here at Twitter hold ourselves to a very high standard, and we apologize for this brief inconvenience,” he said in a Tweet as the incomprehensible noise of one million voices returned to the internet.

“We look forward to continue building the marketplace of ideas at Twitter, and thank you for your patience,” he continued as the paralyzing roar of the world returned.

At press time, Advil sales were reportedly on track to have the most successful day in an entire decade.

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