SANTA MONICA, CA— In yet another addition to their fleet of transportation assets, Bird is moving into the shareable electric pogo stick market. This likely won’t come as a surprise to many in the last mile market, as Lime and others are rumored to be entering the space as well.
“Shareable pogo sticks are the next logical evolution in the transportation market,” said Bird CTO Justin Balthrop. “The unit economics of a pogo stick really make a lot of sense for us since we charge on a per-hop basis,” he continued excitedly.
Users love the convenience so much, even a personal injury won’t curb their excitement. “The second my physical therapist says it’s safe, I’ll be back on the stick,” said recently paralyzed web designer and amateur pogo stick enthusiast Jeremy Roach.
“I hate that you need to be 21 years old,” said high school sophomore Sarah Gelson. “My parents bought me this shitty foam-covered yellow one from Amazon, but there’s no way I’m hopping to school on this spring loaded piece of crap.”
“Some idiot on a pogo stick bounced on my foot on his way to work!” exclaimed annoyed citizen Andrew Gavins, sporting a large cast on his left foot. “Now I’ve gotta walk with crutches. Listen, I didn’t like the scooters when they first arrived, but at least the scooter people have the decency to go around pedestrians. These goddamn pogo-fuckers keep trying to jump over me! Next time someone tries, I’m swatting them out of the air with this here crutch,” he said, shaking his right arm.
Despite traffic death rates in Santa Monica increasing 24% since the launch of the new pogo stick service, laws introduced to ban the pogo sticks have been scrapped. After mayor Gleam Davis’ “Bouncing Death Trap” legislation initiative to ban the new transportation method, a swarm of pogo-ing protesters swarmed city hall to express their frustration. Reporters spotted some of the pogo protest picketing signs with messages such as “We’re hopping mad!”, “Don’t jump on me”, and “Hands off our sticks”. The protests continued for approximately two hours when the sticks began running out of battery, rendering them completely useless.
At press time, a collection of pogo stick commuters could be seen jumping over cars sitting in traffic on the way to work.