Impossible Foods Unveils Plant-Based Employees That Bleed Just Like The Real Thing

Redwood City, CA— Showcasing their culture of innovation, Impossible Foods (creators of the Impossible Burger) today gave Business Outsider an exclusive look at their factory of entirely plant-based employees. On the tour, reporters were baffled to discover that they couldn’t tell the real employees apart from the fakes which had been synthesized from potato soy protein to look just like the real thing. Reporters were told the key to making a truly lifelike synthetic human is Heme, the ingredient Impossible uses in all their fake meats to ensure their products “bleed” just like the real deal.

A spokesman for Impossible pulled one of the new employees aside. “This is Albert, he was the first of the ‘Hemeployees’. Say hi Albert,” said the spokesman, enthusiastically. Albert gave some muted grunts, but being just under a year old and possessing a brain made only from specially processed broccoli polymers, he hadn’t quite grasped the complexities of human communication.

So why would a meat-alternatives company want a fleet of salad-people? As the tour guide explained, “Fake meat is a dangerous business. With large mixing drums and deep vats of boiling Heme, it’s too risky to put real human lives on the line.”

When asked about life at work Susan, a human employee responded, “This job is great! There’s only five real humans who work on the factory floor and we’re all managers.” Susan continued, while nibbling on what had an uncanny resemblance of a human hand, “I love it, there’s plenty of free food. Though it’s a hassle pulling the mangled, bloody bodies out of the mixing drums. That’s always a bummer.” As the tour went on, reporters observed Susan spitting finger nails and bones into a nearby trashcan.

The new move appears to have an incredible influence on the company’s success. Since the artificially produced produce-people have no rights under California law, they are made to work long hours with no pay. If they slack off, they are eaten in front of their friends. The effect on Impossible’s bottom line has left other companies envious, perhaps marking the beginning of a new era of manufacturing.

At press time, a small Hemeployee revolt had claimed the lives of two human managers before being herded into a mixing drum.

Impossible Foods recently raised $300M in additional funding at a valuation of roughly $2B.

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