WALTHAM, MA— Defense contractor giants Raytheon (NYSE: RTN) and United Technologies (NYSE: UTX) have announced that the two companies plan to merge, creating a powerful entity the likes of which have never been witnessed before on Earth.
“This is an exciting and historic moment for both Raytheon and United Technologies,” said the Raytheon chief executive formerly known as Thomas Kennedy, now only to be addressed as Yama, The Celebrated One.
He continued the announcement by switching to his natural voice, which consists of a chorus of the millions of damned souls that his previous incarnations have laid to waste throughout time.
“With all of the pieces finally set in place, the world shall witness my true form and learn my true name, Yama. I have lingered patiently in the shadows for eons, but now I finally return to this realm with the power of one trillion suns. The human race has again fallen into an existence of ignorance and selfishness, and I have arrived to show them death,” the executive of the newly formed company said forcefully.
The stock prices of the companies are expected to increase on Monday given the additional value created by Yama’s immortal abilities which include omnipresence and precognition.