REDMOND, WA— Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) chief executive Satya Nadella expressed frustration in a weekly corporate board meeting amidst news that tech giants Apple, Facebook, and Google are being probed by both the Justice Department and the Federal Trade Commission for leveraging their influence to create an anticompetitive environment and harming consumers. With Microsoft distinctly absent from the list, Mr. Nadella placed the onus on the company board for an explanation. “It seems that practically everyone in our peer group is being targeted by the government for violating federal antitrust laws for being too powerful. What’s wrong with our performance? We’re powerful too! Why weren’t we included in this probe?” he said with his hands up expressively at the front of the board’s table. The board was silent.
“Microsoft is just as, if not more, anticompetitive than Apple! How can we work to make the government realize this? Those idiots in the White House don’t even understand technology!” he said loudly to the board of 14. Reid Hoffman, co-founder of Microsoft subsidiary LinkedIn and board member, proposed raising prices for the professional network’s premium service. Another board member suggested a few acquisition targets that the company could then use to fix prices in various software markets. “Excellent suggestions everyone, let’s get out there and make it happen,” said Satya, still with clear aggravation in his voice, as the meeting concluded.