CUPERTINO, CA— Today at the Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC), Apple announced that iTunes will be shut down, filling senior citizens and grandparents across the nation with unparalleled rage. “What do you mean they’re shutting down myTunes? I have hundreds of dollars of music, how can they just take it all away from me?” shouted Mr. McCarthy, a retired construction manager and grandfather of six. “It’s those god damn socialists that have no concept of ownership anymore that are ruining everything! Well I won’t let them take away my music. This is just terrible news that spits in the face of Lady Liberty herself,” the man continued as he threw his first-generation iPad across the room.
Apple’s (NASDAQ: AAPL) stock closed down just over 1% today on investor concerns that Apple may kill other services popular with the elderly, like Photo Booth and Safari.