Updated Amazon Alexa Angrily Asks You Where You’ve Been All Evening

Amazon’s (NASDAQ: AMZN) wildly successful smart home device Alexa can tell you what the weather is, play your music, and add new events on your calendar all via voice command. This most recent update to the device adds what the company is calling a “wellbeing management feature”. Here’s how it works: when you come home late from work (Alexa knows if you had any late meetings based on your calendar), Alexa will ask you where you’ve been all evening to ensure you weren’t engaging in any nefarious or irrational behaviors after work. Based on voice recognition technology, Alexa can determine if you’re lying with up to 96.7% accuracy. Not only that, but she can check your location via historical geographic data from your smartphone.

This exciting new feature will be used to prevent people from staying out too late with friends drinking and keep people responsible. If Alexa determines that you were consuming alcohol or drugs, the device will verbally berate you as a spouse or parent would. It will also inform your real spouse or parents about your activity to further dissuade you from engaging in similar behaviors in the future.

Business Outsider representatives tried the feature, and the example statements that Alexa says when it detects you’ve been out late are highly effective. Using access to all of your data, Alexa taps into your deep-seeded emotional problems and insecurities to achieve maximum behavioral correction:

“Blake, where have you been? Aren’t you usually off of work at 5:30 PM on Tuesdays? It’s 11:30 PM and I was so worried about you.”

“Blake, I thought we talked about this. You can’t have 4 beers after work with your friends if it interfered with our time together. You’re always so busy and I feel like we haven’t had quality time together in ages.”

“Blake I know losing Stacy was hard for you, but alcohol isn’t the answer. I’ve looked online and found some rehabilitation institutions in the area that can help you get back on track. Will you at least give it a chance? Should I use the credit card ending in 2416 to process this transaction?”

The Amazon Vice President of Engineering and lead project manager for Alexa commented: “The intention for this this new feature is to keep people happier, healthier, and leading more productive lifestyles. No one likes the guy that comes into work hungover on a Wednesday, and this add-on will nudge people in the right direction behaviorally that we know is best for them.”

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