Business Outsider

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Twitter’s (NYSE: TWTR) stock plummeted by over 20% yesterday after a disastrous earnings report, following a slowdown in revenue growth and issues with user engagement with ads on the platform.

“We want to make it crystal clear to our stakeholders, customers, and investors that despite changes to ads on the platform, you will still be able to conveniently read and become disgusted by your uncle’s xenophobic tweets with ease,” stated Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey on the earnings call yesterday.

Wall Street has not been kind to Twitter this year: the stock is up just 6% this year, as compared to 20% for the S&P 500 index.

“Look, I think most investors understand that talk is cheap when it comes to earnings calls and corporate strategy,” said a senior equity analyst at Evercore ISI Research in an exclusive interview with Business Outsider.

“What we’re looking for here is action, and at this point many people are still concerned that Twitter may be forced to overrun the platform with ads and ultimately make the experience of reading your old colleague’s and family member’s divisive diatribe much worse as a result,” he continued matter-of-factly.

Many investors speculate that such a change to the platform my cause users to choose other platforms to digest their uncle’s racist rhetoric, hurting Twitter’s revenue and strategic positioning in the social media market.

At press time, Dorsey could be seen yelling at his board members in an attempt to brainstorm new ways to monetize their platform while still enabling its members to write ignorant and bigoted thoughts for their immediate community to be absolutely disgusted by.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Amidst a whirlwind of layoffs, the ejection of CEO Adam Neumann, and a last-minute bailout by SoftBank, WeWork’s remaining employees have decided to douse millions of dollars in gasoline and light it ablaze to stay warm during the workweek.

“Our building is so cold in the fall season, and the city shut off our power after we stopped paying the utility bill two months ago,” said a senior director of marketing at WeWork.

“So, we did what our company does best. We put our heads together, and the best solution we could think of was withdrawing the few million dollars remaining in the company’s corporate bank account and start a fire to stay warm and productive,” she continued while warming her hands next to a white-hot blaze of hundred-dollar bills.

After the workforce purchased hundreds of gallons of gasoline and doused it on the venture capital cash that the company had raised over the years, Adam Neumann threw the match into the center of the fire to an explosive applause.

“Even through the hardship, we stick together- because we are WeWork,” he shouted excitedly while standing on a luxury ergonomic leather chair.

At press time, a group of software developers on the third floor of the WeWork building could be seen roasting their afternoon artisan coffees flown in from across the world in a small fire composed of roughly $4,500,000.

There are dozens of hot companies that are hiring hundreds of new employees in 2019, and qualified professionals (definitely not you) should keep them on their radar for the future. The companies below are ready to hire at a moments notice, so don’t let these jobs slip away from your more successful peers!

Facebook

First up is the Silicon Valley beast: Facebook. Business Outsider analysts counted over 350 new job openings on the company’s website for jobs like Associate Project Manager and Strategic Marketing Specialist. These are excellent opportunities for spry, qualified, and intelligent professionals, so make sure to forward them to your peers that outperformed you academically before they’re all gone.

Google

Up next on the list is Google. We found a staggering 1,205 jobs on the company’s website. Despite the fact that you are not qualified for a single one of these jobs, it would be a great gesture of kindness by you to send a few to your cousin that works at Facebook to see if she’s interested in making a change. Who knows what could happen!

Chick-fil-A

This last company isn’t actually “hiring like crazy” per say, but our analysts felt it was more your speed. Apply online, you never know what they might think- the world is your oyster!

MENLO PARK, CA- In a recent interview with Business Outsider, Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg’s central processing unit played off a pointed question about the company’s research in brain-computer interfaces.

Many academics and politicians have criticized the company for researching and potentially commercializing the human brain, but Facebook has declined to discuss or provide any details on the nature of the research.

“We continue to work on strategic initiatives in innovative areas, wherever our expert team discovers them,” said Mark Zuckerberg’s speaker in an AI-powered and stunningly human-like voice.

“Please ask your next question,” he continued saying as the CPU continued to execute the code and sensory inputs from the world to generate the most appropriate responses in real time.

At press time, Mr. Zuckerberg could be seen rubbing his face on the wall of the conference room and screaming all of his deepest secrets at the top of his lungs, in an apparent bug in his operating system.