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How To Answer “Tell Me About Yourself” According To Man That’s Held Over 3 Jobs

“Tell me about yourself”

“Let’s walk through your resume”

You’ve almost certainly heard this phrase or some variant of it in a job interview. It’s one of the most important questions that recruiters use to inform their hiring decisions. It’s also the question that candidates stumble on the most.

Business Outsider reporters conducted an exclusive interview with a man who has held over three jobs- he opted to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. Let’s dive right into the Q&A below:

Business Outsider: How do you answer “tell me about yourself”?

Anonymous Man: Look, I’ll be honest, this is not an easy question to answer. It takes practice. You need to know what they’re looking for, and then tell them that thing.

When I was interviewing for my first job, and I’ve had over 3 at this point, I practiced for hours in the mirror before I could tell anyone about who I was. Who am I? I still don’t really know the answer to that question.

Business Outsider: What advice do you have for job hunters on how answer this question?

Anonymous Man: What’s with all the personal questions? If I told you about how I do it so well, then I would only be making my own life harder. How do you think I managed to get three jobs? I can keep my mouth shut, unlike most people.

Business Outsider: Are there any topics you should avoid bringing up when answering this questions?

Anonymous Man: There was a period of time where I was a major player in the South American heroine supply chain. Although I learned a lot about business and logistics through that experience, I don’t like to bring it up because I was only in the role for a couple months. Recruiters like to see that you’ve been at companies for long periods of time, and I don’t want to be labeled as a “job hopper”.

“On The Bright Side, We’re In The News” Says Australian Prime Minister

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA— Following the emergence of the worst fire in recorded history, Australian prime minister Scott Morrison has encouraged his constituents to stay optimistic.

“Look, don’t get me wrong, the fires are a huge bummer,” he said in a press release with journalists on Sunday.

“But at least we’re in the news. I like to look at this as a great opportunity to put Australia on the map- most people don’t even know we exist,” he continued.

At press time, the prime minister was seen kicking out small flames on his suit as he walked back to his private jet after the conference.

PG&E Announces 500-year Power Outage To Mitigate Fire Risk

SANTA ROSA, CA— Utility company PG&E has announced today that it plans to shut off power temporarily for a period of at least 500 years in order to mitigate an heightened fire risk for certain California residential areas.

“We understand that this may come as challenging news for some California residents that are affected by this change, and PG&E would like to express our sincerest apologies for how this may impact your life,” said a PG&E spokesman in a recent press release following the announcement.

Residents across the state were outraged with the change, as many were under the impression that the outage would only last a period slightly north of 150 years.

The PG&E chief executive provided more color in a recent investor conference call:

“Unfortunately, our top meteorologists have modeled the fire risk into the foreseeable future, and the picture is quite bleak,” said CEO William Johnson ominously.

“After comparing the profitability of providing our customers electricity at the risk of sparking a fire and getting sued for billions of dollars versus temporarily shutting down the power grid, our finance team ultimately determined the latter option would be better for our bottom-line and shareholders,” he continued in a conference call with major investors in the company.

At press time, Californians in rural areas could be seen raiding grocery stores and stalking up on canned foods in preparation of the shutoff.

Twitter CEO Reaffirms More Ads Will Not Degrade Experience Of Reading Your Uncle’s Xenophobic Tirades

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Twitter’s (NYSE: TWTR) stock plummeted by over 20% yesterday after a disastrous earnings report, following a slowdown in revenue growth and issues with user engagement with ads on the platform.

“We want to make it crystal clear to our stakeholders, customers, and investors that despite changes to ads on the platform, you will still be able to conveniently read and become disgusted by your uncle’s xenophobic tweets with ease,” stated Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey on the earnings call yesterday.

Wall Street has not been kind to Twitter this year: the stock is up just 6% this year, as compared to 20% for the S&P 500 index.

“Look, I think most investors understand that talk is cheap when it comes to earnings calls and corporate strategy,” said a senior equity analyst at Evercore ISI Research in an exclusive interview with Business Outsider.

“What we’re looking for here is action, and at this point many people are still concerned that Twitter may be forced to overrun the platform with ads and ultimately make the experience of reading your old colleague’s and family member’s divisive diatribe much worse as a result,” he continued matter-of-factly.

Many investors speculate that such a change to the platform my cause users to choose other platforms to digest their uncle’s racist rhetoric, hurting Twitter’s revenue and strategic positioning in the social media market.

At press time, Dorsey could be seen yelling at his board members in an attempt to brainstorm new ways to monetize their platform while still enabling its members to write ignorant and bigoted thoughts for their immediate community to be absolutely disgusted by.

Desperate WeWork Employees Set Remaining Cash On Fire To Stay Warm

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Amidst a whirlwind of layoffs, the ejection of CEO Adam Neumann, and a last-minute bailout by SoftBank, WeWork’s remaining employees have decided to douse millions of dollars in gasoline and light it ablaze to stay warm during the workweek.

“Our building is so cold in the fall season, and the city shut off our power after we stopped paying the utility bill two months ago,” said a senior director of marketing at WeWork.

“So, we did what our company does best. We put our heads together, and the best solution we could think of was withdrawing the few million dollars remaining in the company’s corporate bank account and start a fire to stay warm and productive,” she continued while warming her hands next to a white-hot blaze of hundred-dollar bills.

After the workforce purchased hundreds of gallons of gasoline and doused it on the venture capital cash that the company had raised over the years, Adam Neumann threw the match into the center of the fire to an explosive applause.

“Even through the hardship, we stick together- because we are WeWork,” he shouted excitedly while standing on a luxury ergonomic leather chair.

At press time, a group of software developers on the third floor of the WeWork building could be seen roasting their afternoon artisan coffees flown in from across the world in a small fire composed of roughly $4,500,000.

Boeing Silenced Warning Messages From Test Pilots: “This Thing Could Totally Crash”

CHICAGO, IL— In a startling development, the FAA has accused Boeing (NYSE: BA) of silencing comments from its own test pilots about the safety of the now infamous 737 Max airplane, which caused two fatal crashes in under a year’s time.

“Yeah, this baby could totally crash right into the ground,” said an anonymous test pilot over email.

“You wouldn’t even have to try that hard to do it, I mean if I wasn’t paying enough attention and I was flying this thing, I could totally see this thing spiraling into an uncontrollable spin and turning into a firebomb when it touches the ground,” he continued.

A Boeing spokesperson has rejected the accusation that they ignored the test pilots’ comments, and claims that the company is not at fault for the catastrophic failure of one of the systems in the plane that caused the crash.

“We understand that these comments from our test pilots may sounds concerning, however they were taken out of context,” said a spokesperson for Boeing.

“There was truly no way of knowing that this plane would crash, and therefore Boeing should not be at fault for the damages. While we are praying for the victims of these terrible accidents, our company cannot accept responsibility for something that we could have never predicted would happen,” she continued.

At press time, a black van could be seen speeding away from the testing facility in the Boeing industrial park in Chicago.

These Companies Are Hiring Like Crazy (Not You) In 2019

There are dozens of hot companies that are hiring hundreds of new employees in 2019, and qualified professionals (definitely not you) should keep them on their radar for the future. The companies below are ready to hire at a moments notice, so don’t let these jobs slip away from your more successful peers!

Facebook

First up is the Silicon Valley beast: Facebook. Business Outsider analysts counted over 350 new job openings on the company’s website for jobs like Associate Project Manager and Strategic Marketing Specialist. These are excellent opportunities for spry, qualified, and intelligent professionals, so make sure to forward them to your peers that outperformed you academically before they’re all gone.

Google

Up next on the list is Google. We found a staggering 1,205 jobs on the company’s website. Despite the fact that you are not qualified for a single one of these jobs, it would be a great gesture of kindness by you to send a few to your cousin that works at Facebook to see if she’s interested in making a change. Who knows what could happen!

Chick-fil-A

This last company isn’t actually “hiring like crazy” per say, but our analysts felt it was more your speed. Apply online, you never know what they might think- the world is your oyster!

Companies Open To Interviewing Applicants With Resumé Gaps As Long As Two Weeks

Due to today’s tight labor market, companies are beginning to be more flexible about interviewing candidates with gaps in their resumés- even as long as two weeks long in some cases.

“I took a huge break in my career after my first job and I was seriously worried about how it would impact my employment prospects,” said 26-year-old marketing and data analytics professional Amita Patel.

“You could say it was irresponsible, but I decided to take an entire two weeks off after quitting my first job to move cities, decompress, and recover from a heart surgery I had scheduled a few months prior. However, I am excited to hear that more employers are accepting the fact that not everyone is perfect,” she said optimistically.

Recruiters at top companies are leading this shift in mindset, which has drastically modified the job application culture for thought-leading companies.

“What we’re saying to candidates is that they don’t need to be worried or nervous about gaps, and that everyone is human,” said a senior engineering recruiter at Google.

“Whether it’s two days, a week, or even two weeks, we don’t care what you were doing and you don’t have to feel ashamed about it. We care about understanding how you can provide value for Google,” she continued.

At press time, an anonymous job seeker in a San Francisco coffee shop could be seen brainstorming ways to justify an eight-year European excursion into the wilderness as a growth experience and shaving his career gap time to just one week.

Apple Increases Productivity By 20% After Developing Foldable Engineers

CUPERTINO, CA— Apple has announced the completion of a previously top-secret R&D project focused on creating totally foldable software engineers.

“We’re so excited to announce that we have developed a strategy to fold our engineers and store them in on-campus warehouses without damaging them. This enables our employees to avoid the long commutes to and from work by simply folding themselves up and sleeping inside comfortable and temperature-regulated cubbies between workdays,” said Apple’s chief technology officer and lead director on the project.

This project’s completion was announced at the tail-end of its main competitor, Samsung, announcing and launching a completely foldable smartphone.

“While our competitor might be announcing a gimmicky foldable product, we took the idea of folding and completely turned it on its head,” said Tim Cook, chief executive of Apple.

“Now that we can safely fold our engineers between shifts, there’s really no limit to our innovative capabilities across our diverse line of beautiful and life-changing products,” he continued.

At press time, a well-rested senior software engineer at Apple could be seen performing morning stretches after a night in one of the stylish 2-by-8 foot cubbies.

In Leaked Audio, Mark Zuckerberg’s CPU Plays Off Question About Brain-Computer Interface Research

MENLO PARK, CA- In a recent interview with Business Outsider, Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg’s central processing unit played off a pointed question about the company’s research in brain-computer interfaces.

Many academics and politicians have criticized the company for researching and potentially commercializing the human brain, but Facebook has declined to discuss or provide any details on the nature of the research.

“We continue to work on strategic initiatives in innovative areas, wherever our expert team discovers them,” said Mark Zuckerberg’s speaker in an AI-powered and stunningly human-like voice.

“Please ask your next question,” he continued saying as the CPU continued to execute the code and sensory inputs from the world to generate the most appropriate responses in real time.

At press time, Mr. Zuckerberg could be seen rubbing his face on the wall of the conference room and screaming all of his deepest secrets at the top of his lungs, in an apparent bug in his operating system.