SEATTLE, WA—Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson decided that for the company to make any meaningful progress towards environmental protection, the only logical option was to close …
YOUR HOMETOWN, WA—Due to your sister’s transformational development over the summer, Amazon has decided to pursue an acquisition of your sister. Representatives at Amazon claim …
SAN DIEGO, CA—On Saturday, Jack in the Box announced that they would be offering a new munchie meal with their signature cheesy carne asada loaded …
New York, New York – Following a worrying years-long bender of record highs, the stock market has checked into rehab. This development comes after an …
Portland, OR — Measure 110 passed this election season decriminalizing drugs like heroin, cocaine, and crack in Oregon. Many entrepreneurial citizens used the marijuana industry …
Scarsdale, New York—Dr. Ely Finckle, DDS. has a devastating announcement for the millions of Trident gum fans he’s lied to. He claims that he and …
Private Equity firm Top Bucket Capital (TBC) is testing an innovative way to weed out unproductive employees at their portfolio companies: They have hired Dave, …
KANSAS CITY, MO—During a meeting with Bank of America’s middle management, Business Outsider reporters were taken aback by the lunchtime accoutrement. The meeting attendees were …
SCHENECTADY, NY—Salesforce announced today that it will be strategically entering your personal life by acquiring your mother (NYSE: MOM). Rumors of a pending deal surfaced …
While humming “Carol of the Bells” on Thursday, Apollo Global Management partner Leon Black decorated the office break room with festive hand-cut snowflakes made from …
