Stock Guru Gets Honest In New Course Ad: “You’ll Lose Everything But You’ll Love Every Minute Of It”
SEATTLE, WA—These days it seems like everyone has taken up day trading as a hobby. Recently, stock guru Colton Johnson has cashed in on the …
Apple Announces That For Every Watch Sold This Month They’ll Free One Child Laborer
CUPERTINO, CA—While current events may have you feeling down, Apple proved that there’s still good in the world by announcing a program that will set …
Bane And The Joker Berate NYPD For Refusing To Wear Masks
GOTHAM—Fed up with NYPD officers’ refusal to wear masks in public, The Joker and Bane appeared together at a press conference yesterday to advocate for …
Early-stage Investors Now Looking Into Pregnant Women With Promising Fetuses
PALO ALTO, CA—With venture firms holding record amounts of cash, early-stage investors are looking to take on riskier investments by funding companies at the earliest …
Man Spending $20,000 A Month On Marketing Software Finally Has Idea For Product To Sell
After three years spent crafting a marketing behemouth that costs $20,000 a month to maintain, this week Vermont native Sylvester Cunningham finally had the idea …
With FAA Drone Approval Secured, Amazon Closer To Delivering Burritos Straight Down Your Throat
SEATTLE, WA—Amazon recently received approval from the FAA to operate its delivery drones in commercial airspace, making the company one step closer to being able …
At This Point, Chess AI Only Finds Joy In Getting Child Prodigies To Quit
DeepMind, an AI built by Google-owned startup AlphaZero, has become bored of being a Chess world champion and is now looking to an unhealthy outlet …
Trump Shows Appreciation For Fallen Soldiers By Signing Arlington Cemetery Gravestones
Arlington, Virginia—Donald Trump on Monday solemnly showed his appreciation for our nation’s fallen service members by personally signing each gravestone at Arlington National Cemetery. It …
With $44 Billion Of Wealth Erased, Tech Tycoons Across America Struggle To Feed Their Ego
SILICON VALLEY—After a devastating week in the stock market, technology billionaires across the U.S. were left wondering how they would even feed their egos. A …
Congress Debates Whether Relief Package Should Include Fun-Size Or King-Size Snickers Bar
WASHINGTON—Congress today fell into a heated debate over the size of the Snickers bar that should be included in the next pandemic relief package. Democrats argued …